Today Is My Birthday

With a heavy heart and sad eyes, I must change the tag line of my blog from 24 to 25.

I turned 25 today.

I’m 25 years old.ย 

I’m halfway to 50.

Someone told me a quarter of my life is over… But that’s only if I live to 100! And I’m in terrible shape, I’ll be lucky if I live to 75, there is no way I’ll make it to 100. So technically then, even more than a quarter of my life is over.

So bring on the quarter life crisis, because I might not make it to my midlife crisis.

Happy Birthday to me.number_25_3

Bronchitis In Amish Country

As many of you know, I have been sick. I went to see my doctor on Thursday morning and I found out that it wasn’t allergies, or a cold, or even a sinus infection. I have bronchitis.

When I get sick. I get whiny. When I get really sick… I get so whiny that people want to punch me in the face (just ask my best friend, I’m really surprised she hasn’t killed me yet).

Now I had Friday-Sunday off. I should have been able to relax, heal, sleep, feel better, overdose on NyQuil. But no. I had plans.

I went to Amish Country. Lancaster, PA to be exact. With my mother. There was no relaxing. None. Nada. Zilch.

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This would be a good time to point out that I am actually scared of Amish people. I don’t know why. I just am.

Now every year my parents go to Lancaster for their anniversary. Unfortunately, my Dad’s sub at work quit so he has to work 6 days a week and can’t take any days off. Therefore he could not go on this trip. So I got to go on my parents’ anniversary trip with my mother. It’s times like this where I swear my life could be a terrible sitcom. Just terrible.

Mom’s not so good on the driving – so I drove. Mom loves antiquing – we did a lot of antique shopping. Mom loves soft pretzels – well so do I so there wasn’t a problem there. Mom loves primitive crafts – we stopped at 5 stores (on top of the 6 antique places we went to… in just one day). Mom has bad arthritis – I had to carry every single multiple purchase. Mom loves Celine Dion – we listened to a lot of Celine Dion. Mom loves Amish people – we had to wake up at 7am on a Friday to go on an Amish bus tour with elderly people and this random family from Brooklyn with small child that sucked on his seat and licked the window.

Lets not forget though, that I have bronchitis. Lots of coughing, lots of nose blowing, lots of meds, lots of headaches… etc…

My ย mother and I don’t always get along. Because we are REALLY similar (which is surprising, since I’ve tried my whole life not to be like my parents). We can fight. And pick on each other. My mother also forgets that I have very modern tastes. So antiquing… Looking at old stuff that people have for sale, that’s dirty, and you don’t know who owned it… Kind of grosses me out.

And why do you have to be quiet in antique shops? When did that become a rule? Just because it’s mostly old ladies and quiet women does not mean that I HAVE TO BE QUIET! I am loud. So I cough loud. And I clear my throat loud. And if I’m made to be antique shopping by my mother, GOSH DARN IT, I will be loud! So don’t look at me funny, or sigh, or glare, or stare, or what not. You old ladies can stuff it! I will be loud in antique shops! Or you can just throw me out!

And why do Amish people ask for tips so much? Yes I know, everything you bake/cook is delicious, and due to your weird belief system you have weird/odd jobs. But if I buy your dang soft pretzel, don’t stare at your tip jar. I’m not gonna put anything in it. If I bought a soft pretzel from a vendor at a baseball game I wouldn’t tip him. You and your soft pretzel making talents are not special to me. I will eat almost any soft pretzel. How dare you try to make me feel guilty about NOT tipping you.

Why do antique shops always have a plethora of horrifyingly creepy dolls that are ALWAYS missing some sort of body part or all of their clothing? Who is going to buy that? What kind of sick freak goes to each antique shop looking for that type of doll? They should be arrested.

Why do all Amish children wave at you when you drive past? I felt like I was in a freakin parade. Stop it. I don’t like strangers and you and your black monotone colored clothes made me sad and uncomfortable and you make me think a lot about how I would live without an iPhone. I don’t like those thoughts. I love my iPhone.

Why do Amish children never wear shoes? Do they have shoes? Don’t their feet get dirty? What if you stepped on a bee!!!!???

Fun times.

I ate a lot of soft pretzels.

This Post Is About A Shower Curtain

Yep. You read that right. This whole post is about the shower curtain in the upstairs bathroom of my (parents) house.

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This is the shower curtain.

So my Mother has a distinct sense of decor in our house and most of it is ‘americana/colonial/primitive’ and this type of patterned fabric is called toile. The fabric kind of ‘tells a story’ of sorts. It has pictures of different scenes on it.

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People apparently swinging.

I can not tell you how many times I’ve looked/stared at this shower curtain. Seeing all the cute little scenes… Naming the people… etc..

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I named the young lad Bill.

I just noticed something last night. Something very disturbing. There is an animal on this shower curtain that looks demonic.

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Sheep

No it’s not the slightly deformed looking sheep.

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Dog

No it is not the dog with the slightly bulging eyes.

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Donkey

No it is not even this depressed looking donkey.

It is this creature.

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DEMON GOAT

This is goat? Whaaaat?!?!? What happened to it? Why is it’s eye practically in it’s ear? Why does it’s mouth look like a sharp pointy beak? Why is it so lumpy? Why does it look like it has an eye in between it’s horns. Just WHY?!?!!???

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GOAT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL

What pits of hell did this creature come from? Why have I never noticed this before? I shower every day! I should have seen this. And now that I’ve seen it, I can’t un-see it. Now as soon as I walk into the bathroom… I can feel it watching me. Following my every move. Looking at me with it’s 1 1/2 eyes.

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SEE YOU IN YOUR NIGHTMARES

I’m okay, really

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I say that a lot. I’m okay, really. Though honestly, when you have to put the ‘really’ on it, people usually know you are lying through your teeth.

So lately I’ve been ‘going through some things’ like any normal person. And since I still live with my parents and all of my close friends live in different states… I’ve been… Lonely. And I hate to admit that I need other people because I am fiercely independent. But. I might need a hug.

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Recently some people have noticed that I am not my ‘normal cheerful self’ (yeah right, like I’ve ever been normal) and have started to ask me if I’m okay. Let me just get this out there: IF YOU ARE NOT MY SISTER OF ONE OF ME 5 BEST FRIENDS – I am not going to tell you about my problems. So leave me alone. Stop asking. I’m fine. Now go away.

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Lately it’s been coworkers, my mother’s friends, elderly people, people who are my friends but I don’t really share a lot with them, etc… And they keep asking me. Expecting me to open up all my ‘feels’ and emotinally vomit all over them. Not gonna happen. You see, I have chosen these 5 people. They are the trusted ones (I have trust issues… that it a story for another day, let me tell you, whoa!). And even within this 5 there are different levels of trust. I do have a bestest friend in the whole wide world. And then I have 3 best friends. And then a have my great friend. These are the 5. They know my secrets. They know I’ll kill them if they share them. So random coworker, when you ask if I’m okay. And I say yes. Don’t ask me again. Just take it at face value. You can’t solve my problems (there are a lot of them anyways).

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So as I currently wallow in my self pity, know that it is okay that I do so. I promise. Because sooner or later I will stop internalizing all of my ‘feels’ and I’ll either explode or go into therapy. And yes, I know some random friend will come up to me after this post and ask if I’m okay. And yes, I’m going to say I’m okay. And yes, I will be lying. But know it’s not because I don’t care about you as a friend. It’s just that I don’t want to talk to you about it. At all. So just…

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I’ll be fine I promise. I have a flair for dramatics.

Am I A Bad Person?

Do you ever wonder if you’re a bad person? (I’m assuming that you are all just lovely people and I’m the only demon spawn over here…)

But seriously. Am I a rotten human being?

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I know that I can be mean, and sarcastic, and vindictive, and that I lie (sometimes), I swear (only when I’m mad… or upset… or sad… don’t tell my mom), I’m unhappy a lot, I get jealous, I make fun of people, I can hold a grudge like it’s my profession, I laugh when people get hurt…. Can I justify being any of those things? I don’t feel like I’m those things all the time. But sometimes the worst can come out more the the best. Perhaps I’m surrounded by people who only bring out the worst in me. Or am I all parts equal to the worst parts of me and the good parts don’t even matter. What am I even saying?????

Now I could get into a really big moral debate here about sin and God loving everyone, but I’m not going to. I’m going to talk about the basic instinct that everyone has. Self preservation. And I personally think that within that self preservation instinct is another instinct of self preservation – protecting your pride.

We are all prideful. And if you are sitting there reading this and thinking ‘Well I’m not prideful at all’ shut up. Yes you are. That was pride right there. You jerkface.

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Let’s be honest. We all want to protect our pride/self esteem/soul/being/attitude/thoughts whatever it may be. And some of us can do that without hurting other people. But most of us can’t. To protect yourself from being hurt, and protecting the image you have of yourself, other people tend to get hurt. If we all have this type of self preservation in us, does that make us bad people? If most of the world acts this way, does that mean we are all wrong? Do we all need to change?

Some of us recognize this part in ourselves. I do every year around New Years. I make the same 3 resolutions every year: #1 BE NICER TO PEOPLE #2 BE POSITIVE #3 Lose weight. I’m really good about #3 for about a week. #1 and #2 I usually give up on before January 1st is over with.

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Maybe I’m acting out? A lot of people do that. You’re going through a rough patch and the only way you know how to get through your pain is inflicting pain and annoyance on others.

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Although, if this is true. I’ve been “going through something” for the last 14 years or so… Maybe I should see a therapist.

I don’t feel like a bad person though… But I was recently told that I was a “terrible person” and that it was “no wonder why no one really cared about me” – ouch. And all I could think was “Am I really that bad of a person?” and “Wow, I want to punch that person in the face” and “douchebag” !!!

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So am I bad person?

Probably.

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