Lord Help the Mister (and anyone else for that matter) Who Comes Between Me and My Sister

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There is many a day when I wish I could have done better in the “Big Sister” department of my life. I have only one sibling, and that is my sister who is 4 years younger than me. I look back on times that we spent together and how we used to (still do) torment each other, how we used to (still do) fight all the time, and how we used to (still do) make fun of each other – and I just see where I came up short.

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I look around at some of my friends that are my age, who have younger sisters that are my sisters age, and they just seem to have that “we are such best friends” vibe going on… And I’m over here like “How do you do that? How do you not pick on each other and get irritated with each other?” I wish I could be my sister’s best friend. Maybe later on in life we’ll get to that stage, but for the last 21 years that she’s been around, most of the years we weren’t even what you would call “friends.” 

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Sadly, I feel like I wasted a lot of years wishing my sister wasn’t around. Wishing she wasn’t so different from me, and wondering what her problem was and how it was her fault that we never got along. Which was totally wrong. It was my fault. The truth is, my sister and I are very different – like night and day different. I’m night because I’m the bad sister and she’s day because she is the good sister. I have had some major screw ups in my life and made TERRIBLE life choices. My sister seemingly has done no wrong in that area and is on the straight and narrow path. I have had a pretty healthy life, but not a healthy body. My sister is like the epitome of health, she works out, and runs, and lifts, and eats vegetables, and doesn’t drink soda – but she has had some SERIOUS health and heart issues in her life and several surgeries and procedures done. I am terrible at sports, she’s good at everything. I am a very dependent person and my sister is fiercely independent. I am outgoing, loud, obnoxious and usually rude, my sister is quiet, calm, polite and bottles all of her feelings up. My sister consistently walks the line of cute/adorable and beautiful looking and I usually look like troll. I should have been more open and understanding of our differences. How boring would it have been if my little sister was just like me? Then my parents would have 2 terrible daughters instead of just one.

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I do feel lucky to have the sister that I do, she is very understanding of my shortcomings (or maybe she’s just used to the fact that I suck as a sister). She’s never asked too much of me, because she’s never really asked anything of me. And I think that’s because she doesn’t expect anything from me, which is a failure on my part to be loving, kind, and supportive. It’s sad to say, but we get along the best – when we aren’t near each other, or at least, not living with each other. I’ve never expected anything of her, because I never wanted to put any pressure on her to be there for me. I never thought it was my little sister’s place to be my emotional crutch and my pat on the back. We also weren’t raised that way – we both seem to have the belief that “my problems are my problems and no one else’s and no one is going to help me deal with them except myself.” Maybe due to that “common belief” we share, we just figured the other person didn’t care. I hope my sister knows that I care. 

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Today, as I was whining about what an awful human being I am and the fact that I think I’m a terrible sister – I had a friend remind me of some memories: 

     She reminded me of this one time in high school, at an away basketball game, how I stood up for my sister. It was her first year on the basketball team, and my last year. She had missed a pass or a shot or something and it had upset another member of the team. During half time that other player made a snide remark about my sister. And then I basically screamed at her “DON’T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MY SISTER THAT WAY.” 

     Another time was at summer camp, I was a counselor and my sister was a camper still I think. And there were these twin boys who kept picking on her and they called her chubby. I found out about it (and probably legally crossed a line) as I grabbed each boy by the arm and dragged them through the courtyard and threatened to take all of the free time away and making sure they would be severely punished (definitely didn’t have that authority) if they didn’t immediately apologize to her.

     I was then reminded of the time that I was supposed to be watching my sister, and I couldn’t find her (she was still with my parents at my grandparents house, they hadn’t left yet) and I called my friend to come over to help me find her and I was screaming and crying and sobbing and I called 4 different relatives to help me because I was so scared that she was going to get hurt on her own. 

    And then of course, there is the fond memory of me hearing one of my sister’s “friends” say something not so nice about her and I might have called them a “not very nice word” to their face. (Really I’m a terrible person and example.)

So it’s good to know that in any case, I can at least be verbally abusive in my sister’s defense. 

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I think it’s okay that I write all this here, because my sister tends to not actually read my blog, and I’m okay with that. I just wanted to say that I do have regrets and I do care. I regret not being able to come to her Sweet 16 – I was sad all day that I missed it. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for any of her heart procedures, but I will state that I was a crying and praying mess those days. And I want to tell her that I’m her biggest cheerleader, but I do it quietly because I know that I embarrass her a lot. And I’M SORRY that I repeat stories, jokes, and facts a lot, I’m old okay, and I’m turning into our mother, I just FORGET!  

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I hope she knows, that even if I said “I hate you” – I never ever meant it, ever. I hope she knows that I care about what she has done, what she is doing, and what she does in the future. I hope she knows that I pray for her every night and think about her every morning. I hope she knows that if there are things I didn’t tell her, it’s not because I wanted to keep secrets from her, I just didn’t want to burden her. I hope she knows that I will always be on her side no matter what. I hope she knows that I’m sorry for not being a better example. I hope she knows that the 911 call was the scariest moment of my entire life and that I still have nightmares about it. I hope she knows that when I say “I miss you” I mean it and when I say “What are you doing” it means I wish she was with me. I hope she knows that I regret that I couldn’t give her better advice. I hope she knows that she is the most important person in my life, and I hold her above all others on this earth. I hope she knows how much I love her.

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Things Single People Are Tired Of Hearing

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Or maybe it’s just me who’s tired of hearing these things…

So I am single. I have been single for 2 years now. My last relationship was terrible: he forced me to do things, he would be very rough and harsh with me, he stole my money, and he cheated on me. Due to that experience I have been very hesitant to date again. Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m terrified of dating again. I’m actually really fine with being single. I prefer being alone in all honesty (this is possibly because every relationship I’ve been in has ended very badly).
I have the wonderful blessing (and I mean it truthfully as a blessing) of seeing most of my close friends get engaged, get married, and be in a happy and healthy relationship with their spouse (this is not sarcasm, I really am happy for my friends). But after awhile, it can be very daunting to see that out of all your friends, you and a few others, are the only ones still single. I think something must click in a married friends brain – I’m not entirely sure as I have never been married. Said friend suddenly feels the need to help their single friends become as happy as they are in their married relationship. Because clearly being single is the same thing as being depressed and unhappy.
I can guarantee you that being single DOES NOT equal unhappiness. I am honestly happier now than I have ever been in any relationship I’ve ever had.
Now I really do love my friends and family and appreciate their thoughtfulness when they constantly want to set me up, ask me what’s wrong, tell me to date again – it means that they love me and care about me. But seriously guys, stop. No really, stop. STOP. Just stop. I’m fine. Completely and totally fine.

Please stop doing or saying these things:

Comparing your “relationship problems” to my “single problems” – YES I know that couples have a plethora of problems because they have to coexist with one another on a daily basis. BUT that does not mean that your problems are worse than mine. You need to stop diminishing every single persons problems like they are miniscule to yours. That’s not how the world works. Everyone is equally screwed up and has an equal amount of problems.

“You don’t know pain till you’ve had your heart broken by someone.” – Ummmmm… I have had my heart broken. Twice. And it sucked. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’ve NEVER been in a relationship. And even if someone single HAS NEVER been in a dating relationship that doesn’t mean that they’ve never had their heart broken. A person’s heart can break over any relationship, person, circumstance, etc… It is NOT solely based on whether they have had boyfriend or girlfriend.

“Your sister is going to get married before you.” – I am aware of this. You don’t need to remind me. She is smarter, funnier, prettier, skinnier and much much MUCH nicer than I am.

“Make sure you find someone in college, it’s almost impossible to find someone after you graduate.” – Bull crap. This is utter and complete bull crap. College is not the only way to find someone to marry (You will hear this constantly if you go to a religious college). There are THOUSANDS of ways to meet people outside of school. Here a just a few: through your friends, church, community, work, volunteering, parties, parks, restaurants, just walking up to strangers and saying HI…

Please stop assuming that I don’t want to be single. – I currently like being single. Now I can’t speak for everyone, but I like being alone right now. My last few relationships were crap and I don’t feel like diving in again.

“Just be patient the right person will come along.” – Oh good thinking, I almost rushed out and married the first person I saw. Thank goodness you told me to be patient.

Married people, please stop saying you wish you were single. – If you wish you were single, then don’t complain about it, be single. There is this fun little invention called divorce that 50% of married couples do. If you hate your marriage so much then get a divorce, if you don’t then stop complaining about it and do something.

“What is wrong with you?” – A lot of things, just ask my mother.

“Don’t you want to get married?” – I don’t know ok!!!! Maybe!!! It’s not a HUGE priority right now. I really want to wear a fancy dress and have a party all about me. So basically I just want a wedding…

“I don’t get why you are still single, you are smart/good looking/funny/employed/etc..” – I know, I’m shocked too. Men should be flocking to me from all the world. I’m such a catch.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea!” – That’s great, except I don’t want a fish I want a man. This is a stupid saying and I’d love to smack whoever invented it.

“Have you tried internet dating?” – Yes and it was a terrible experience. I know so many people have success stories from it, but lets be real here folks… It’s creepy. I went on a lot of creepy dates last summer from online dating (Christian Mingle) and I met some very creepy, odd, clingy, scary people.

“It’ll happen when you least expect it.” – I’m consistently unobservant of my surroundings, so I actually believe this one. It’s just annoying to hear constantly because than you are trying not to expect the unexpected and that makes the unexpected expected.

“Don’t you ever get lonely?” – Yes. I suffer from crippling loneliness at times. But that is why I have friends.

“Aren’t you worried that you won’t be able to have kids?” – No. I’m not even sure I want kids. If I end up having a desperate need for children, I can adopt as a single parent.

“You’re just too picky!” – I’d rather be alone and too picky, then to settle and end up with a psychopath.

“You’re gonna end up as a crazy cat lady!” – Nope, I don’t like cats that much. I’ll be the fun old dog lady.

“It’s the bouquet toss, you better get out there!” – This happens to me literally, and I mean LITERALLY, at every wedding I go to or I am in. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And I’ve never caught the bouquet. It is brutal out there during a bouquet toss. And then what happens if I do catch it? Besides possibly being tackled by one of the bridesmaids… Does some mystical wedding magic descend down onto me and make it so that I SHALL BE MARRIED NEXT. Are all available men then notified that I HAVE to be married next and that it is their duty to find me, woo me, and marry me?

“I have someone I’d like you to meet!” – Suuuuure ya do. I’m sure they’re great too. Here’s a rule of thumb for this one, if you yourself wouldn’t date them and marry them, then don’t set your friend up with them.

“You’re not trying hard enough.” – You’re probably right on this one. I’m notoriously lazy when it comes to seeking out potential partners. Totally not a go getter.

“I’M ENGAGED!!!!!!!” – Great. I’m so excited. Can’t wait. What color dress should I wear?

Something Great For Me

I am feeling discouraged.

I feel like there is something great out there for me and I’m missing out. I don’t know how to get to it, where it is, or what it is. But I want it. I need it to happen to me.

Well, don’t I sound selfish… I’m not saying I think society/the universe/God owes me anything. They don’t. I know that I am among the most undeserving people on this planet scrounging around for a blessing or something great.

But it would be really nice if it happened to me.

I’m 24. I’m single. I was salutatorian in high school. I graduated with a 4 year degree from an academically challenging college with an above average GPA. I am a hard worker. I am nice. I am funny. I am loyal. I am dramatic. I love helping people. I am willing to work, to move, to learn new things, to be out of my comfort zone.

So why am I alone. With a semi-ok part time job. Living with my parents. With no social life to speak of. In the middle of no where.

Why have none of the Library Directors, from the 20+ jobs I applied to in NYC, responded to me? Why can’t I move out? Why do most of my friends ignore me on a daily basis? Why has one of my best friends in the whole world started treating me like trash? Why is it that when your college friends get married they forget you exist? Why does my mother put so much freakin pressure on me about not being married? Why do I have such a fragile relationship with my parents? Why do my sister and I only get along when we are not in the same city?

Why am I unhappy?

Why do I feel like there is more out there for me, right at my fingertips, and I keep missing it?

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I know so many people have it worse. I know these are construed as ‘first world problems’ or ‘whining’ or ‘being selfish’ – but may I remind you, I’m just listing the questions I have right now. You have no idea about anything in my life. You don’t know how I was raised, my childhood, or any of the awful things I’ve experienced. So you can stop judging me now.

I almost feel like I’m disappointed in myself. Like I could have done so much better. I look back and I see the mistakes I’ve made. And I know I wish I could go back and change all of them but that ends up making me feel more discouraged. Because I can’t fix them. They happened. It’s done. I have to deal with what my life is now.

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I knew who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go.

But I’m not that person. I didn’t end up doing what I wanted. And I am definitely not where I wanted to be.

I feel like my future is right at my fingertips. I just have to make a decision and go with it. But I am so terrified that I may make the wrong choice. I have a terrible track record for choices. I usually make ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE CHOICES. I never listen to advice from my friends and family. And even though I usually plan things out and do pros and cons and what not – I still end up making a spur of the moment decision. I can’t even trust myself to do the right/smart thing anymore. I’ve screwed up too many times.

But my future is right there. Staring me in the face. I can feel it. I just can’t see it. And people put so much pressure on your future. Like it’s the Holy Promised Land that we are all striving to visit before we die.

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But what if we are already in our future? What if this is it? What you are doing right now, where you are, who you are. This is it. This is your future. What if it’s already started? What if you missed out on that Holy Promised Land.

What if I’m stuck like this forever?

I have two choices staring me in the face right now. One is easy and one is terrifying.

I could just move out in February like I planned – right down the street from where I work. And that’s it.

Or I could move to NYC. Completely start over. And be anything I want to be.

What if I can’t make a choice?

What if I make the wrong one?

I’m okay, really

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I say that a lot. I’m okay, really. Though honestly, when you have to put the ‘really’ on it, people usually know you are lying through your teeth.

So lately I’ve been ‘going through some things’ like any normal person. And since I still live with my parents and all of my close friends live in different states… I’ve been… Lonely. And I hate to admit that I need other people because I am fiercely independent. But. I might need a hug.

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Recently some people have noticed that I am not my ‘normal cheerful self’ (yeah right, like I’ve ever been normal) and have started to ask me if I’m okay. Let me just get this out there: IF YOU ARE NOT MY SISTER OF ONE OF ME 5 BEST FRIENDS – I am not going to tell you about my problems. So leave me alone. Stop asking. I’m fine. Now go away.

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Lately it’s been coworkers, my mother’s friends, elderly people, people who are my friends but I don’t really share a lot with them, etc… And they keep asking me. Expecting me to open up all my ‘feels’ and emotinally vomit all over them. Not gonna happen. You see, I have chosen these 5 people. They are the trusted ones (I have trust issues… that it a story for another day, let me tell you, whoa!). And even within this 5 there are different levels of trust. I do have a bestest friend in the whole wide world. And then I have 3 best friends. And then a have my great friend. These are the 5. They know my secrets. They know I’ll kill them if they share them. So random coworker, when you ask if I’m okay. And I say yes. Don’t ask me again. Just take it at face value. You can’t solve my problems (there are a lot of them anyways).

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So as I currently wallow in my self pity, know that it is okay that I do so. I promise. Because sooner or later I will stop internalizing all of my ‘feels’ and I’ll either explode or go into therapy. And yes, I know some random friend will come up to me after this post and ask if I’m okay. And yes, I’m going to say I’m okay. And yes, I will be lying. But know it’s not because I don’t care about you as a friend. It’s just that I don’t want to talk to you about it. At all. So just…

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I’ll be fine I promise. I have a flair for dramatics.

Am I A Bad Person?

Do you ever wonder if you’re a bad person? (I’m assuming that you are all just lovely people and I’m the only demon spawn over here…)

But seriously. Am I a rotten human being?

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I know that I can be mean, and sarcastic, and vindictive, and that I lie (sometimes), I swear (only when I’m mad… or upset… or sad… don’t tell my mom), I’m unhappy a lot, I get jealous, I make fun of people, I can hold a grudge like it’s my profession, I laugh when people get hurt…. Can I justify being any of those things? I don’t feel like I’m those things all the time. But sometimes the worst can come out more the the best. Perhaps I’m surrounded by people who only bring out the worst in me. Or am I all parts equal to the worst parts of me and the good parts don’t even matter. What am I even saying?????

Now I could get into a really big moral debate here about sin and God loving everyone, but I’m not going to. I’m going to talk about the basic instinct that everyone has. Self preservation. And I personally think that within that self preservation instinct is another instinct of self preservation – protecting your pride.

We are all prideful. And if you are sitting there reading this and thinking ‘Well I’m not prideful at all’ shut up. Yes you are. That was pride right there. You jerkface.

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Let’s be honest. We all want to protect our pride/self esteem/soul/being/attitude/thoughts whatever it may be. And some of us can do that without hurting other people. But most of us can’t. To protect yourself from being hurt, and protecting the image you have of yourself, other people tend to get hurt. If we all have this type of self preservation in us, does that make us bad people? If most of the world acts this way, does that mean we are all wrong? Do we all need to change?

Some of us recognize this part in ourselves. I do every year around New Years. I make the same 3 resolutions every year: #1 BE NICER TO PEOPLE #2 BE POSITIVE #3 Lose weight. I’m really good about #3 for about a week. #1 and #2 I usually give up on before January 1st is over with.

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Maybe I’m acting out? A lot of people do that. You’re going through a rough patch and the only way you know how to get through your pain is inflicting pain and annoyance on others.

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Although, if this is true. I’ve been “going through something” for the last 14 years or so… Maybe I should see a therapist.

I don’t feel like a bad person though… But I was recently told that I was a “terrible person” and that it was “no wonder why no one really cared about me” – ouch. And all I could think was “Am I really that bad of a person?” and “Wow, I want to punch that person in the face” and “douchebag” !!!

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So am I bad person?

Probably.

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Finding Love In All The Wrong Places

I’ve had several boyfriends. And I’ll be honest, they’ve all been different shades of douche bags – but we won’t linger on that. I think my problem is that I look in all the wrong places. High school, tutoring, student work, work, online. Oh, yeah. I so did the online (but he wasn’t really my boyfriend, he just thought he was, he was wrong).

Not only did I do the “online dating” thing. But I did Christian Mingle.

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Yeah… I know. I’m disappointed in myself too. My mother suggested it. And some of my friends had accounts as well. And due to some of my moral beliefs, it seemed to make sense to find someone likeminded.

I am now convinced that there is no one likeminded for me. Or maybe they just aren’t on Christian Mingle. Christian Mingle guys are…. weird.

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Yeah, I know. It doesn’t make sense. But I got lonely and stupid.

First – you have to pay a ridiculous amount of money to even view emails that people send you! So if this is God’s plan for my life- why do I have to pay a monthly fee to communicate with people??????

Second – guys on Christian Mingle are 2 types of extreme. Either SUPER Conservative (to the point where you have to be a stay at home mom and you have to homeschool because clearly public school is of the devil) or they are SUPER not Conservative (like they say they love God more than anything and their profile pic is of them clubbing with a Bud in their hand, grinding on girls).

Third – not that either of these things matter… Because it seems like no one really wants to talk to me. And that’s fine. Because I would probably just make fun of them.

And as much as I would love to find that perfect guy, who my parents love and respect and he shares exactly the same belief system as me (accepting my religious and non-religious views on life ((mostly the ‘non’ if we are gonna get technical))) and be smart and funny and not a douche bag – I don’t think I’m gonna find him online.

I don’t think I’m gonna find him at all. Who knows if I’ll be willing to cut corners later in life?

Right now I’d just settle for someone who can look at me and listen without staring at my chest or his watch every 5 seconds.