Something Great For Me

I am feeling discouraged.

I feel like there is something great out there for me and I’m missing out. I don’t know how to get to it, where it is, or what it is. But I want it. I need it to happen to me.

Well, don’t I sound selfish… I’m not saying I think society/the universe/God owes me anything. They don’t. I know that I am among the most undeserving people on this planet scrounging around for a blessing or something great.

But it would be really nice if it happened to me.

I’m 24. I’m single. I was salutatorian in high school. I graduated with a 4 year degree from an academically challenging college with an above average GPA. I am a hard worker. I am nice. I am funny. I am loyal. I am dramatic. I love helping people. I am willing to work, to move, to learn new things, to be out of my comfort zone.

So why am I alone. With a semi-ok part time job. Living with my parents. With no social life to speak of. In the middle of no where.

Why have none of the Library Directors, from the 20+ jobs I applied to in NYC, responded to me? Why can’t I move out? Why do most of my friends ignore me on a daily basis? Why has one of my best friends in the whole world started treating me like trash? Why is it that when your college friends get married they forget you exist? Why does my mother put so much freakin pressure on me about not being married? Why do I have such a fragile relationship with my parents? Why do my sister and I only get along when we are not in the same city?

Why am I unhappy?

Why do I feel like there is more out there for me, right at my fingertips, and I keep missing it?

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I know so many people have it worse. I know these are construed as ‘first world problems’ or ‘whining’ or ‘being selfish’ – but may I remind you, I’m just listing the questions I have right now. You have no idea about anything in my life. You don’t know how I was raised, my childhood, or any of the awful things I’ve experienced. So you can stop judging me now.

I almost feel like I’m disappointed in myself. Like I could have done so much better. I look back and I see the mistakes I’ve made. And I know I wish I could go back and change all of them but that ends up making me feel more discouraged. Because I can’t fix them. They happened. It’s done. I have to deal with what my life is now.

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I knew who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go.

But I’m not that person. I didn’t end up doing what I wanted. And I am definitely not where I wanted to be.

I feel like my future is right at my fingertips. I just have to make a decision and go with it. But I am so terrified that I may make the wrong choice. I have a terrible track record for choices. I usually make ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE CHOICES. I never listen to advice from my friends and family. And even though I usually plan things out and do pros and cons and what not – I still end up making a spur of the moment decision. I can’t even trust myself to do the right/smart thing anymore. I’ve screwed up too many times.

But my future is right there. Staring me in the face. I can feel it. I just can’t see it. And people put so much pressure on your future. Like it’s the Holy Promised Land that we are all striving to visit before we die.

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But what if we are already in our future? What if this is it? What you are doing right now, where you are, who you are. This is it. This is your future. What if it’s already started? What if you missed out on that Holy Promised Land.

What if I’m stuck like this forever?

I have two choices staring me in the face right now. One is easy and one is terrifying.

I could just move out in February like I planned – right down the street from where I work. And that’s it.

Or I could move to NYC. Completely start over. And be anything I want to be.

What if I can’t make a choice?

What if I make the wrong one?

I want to move to London.

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So sometimes I get sick of living in the United States of America (like when our silly government shuts down) and I dream about moving to England and possibly living in London. London looks lovely. Granted I am a jaded and irrational American girl…

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So I looked up a few facts. Most of the facts came from Wikipedia, the Daily Mail, US News reports, and the government (yeah that’s right… I know the government… all of it).

The crime rate is pretty so-so compared to the 2 countries. England has a higher amount of fraud crimes (229,000 per year) than the U.S. does. But the U.S. has 3 times the murders (14,827 last year) than England does. So someone may steal my identity in England… But I probably wouldn’t get murdered in my sleep.

When it comes to National Debt… Both countries are pretty much screwed. But, in technical money terms, England is less screwed. The U.S. nation debt is $16.8 TRILLION (jeez trillion…). The national debt of the United Kingdom (not just England) is 1.16 trillion pounds (1 pound = 1.62 dollars).

The average debt of a freshly graduated college student in the U.S. is $35,200 (unless you’re me then it’s $41,000!!!!! yeah!!!!). Most English graduates leave school with 26,000 pounds in debt. The usual English Uni (short for University, keep up with me ‘Mericans) is about 9,000 pounds.

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I did a comparison of the average living costs. I used London and NYC as my two cities to compare. They really weren’t too different. In London the food was more expensive than NYC but the actual living situation of NYC (and most of the U.S.) was more expensive. To live comfortably (very comfortably if you ask me…. like super comfortably without a worry or a care) in NYC you would need $6,400 a month and 3,947 pounds (I actually figured this one out to be $6,399) in London.

So I would definitely need a good job!!!! The unemployment rate of England is 7.7% (this is their lowest rate in a long time). The U.S. unemployment rate is at 7.30% (also a low rate for the U.S.). Might be hard to find a job… Especially since I am a Librarian. Currently in the U.S. there are around 2,000 librarian job openings… And only around 300 in England. Sad face.

But at least the history geek in me would have fun in London. Look at all the fun things I could do (never mind… I’d have NO money to do these things!).

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And I’ve always been fascinated by the royal family.

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Honestly… I’d finally be able to watch Dr. Who without people spoiling it for me on Twitter… And that’s pretty much the main reason.

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Angry Baby Penguin

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Don’t worry baby penguin. I know how you feel.

This picture is from a holiday card that someone sent me a couple of years ago. I like it so much that I keep it on my memory board right by my bed.

And today I look like this angry baby penguin. (Not that I’m cute or fluffy…)

You ever just wake up in a bad mood and you are kind of okay with it? Like you feel “You know what, I will be a little moody and angry today because I’ve been nice for the last 3 days and that has gotten me no where.”

Reasons for my annoyance/anger today:

  1. Today is my day off and my only day to sleep in and my mother called me to see what I was doing. Even though she knew I’d be sleeping.
  2. I still live with my parents.
  3. I’ve been considering applying to a job in NYC so I can get out of this po-dunk county and all my friends think I’m nuts for wanting to leave.
  4. I still live with my parents.
  5. I have been waking up with headaches for the past 2 weeks but I’m too poor to go to the chiropractor to see what’s wrong.
  6. I have an unhealthy obsession with True Blood and I constantly think about the previous episodes.
  7. I always want to skip more songs than Pandora will let me.
  8. I still live with my parents.
  9. I have a huge zit on my lip and someone asked me if it was herpes. (No I do not have an STD -_-)
  10. Did I mention I’m a 24 year old single female still living with my parents.

Did I really want to be whiny on this post? No, not really, but that’s how it comes off. And sometimes you have to be whiny and annoying and a little angry because it can cleanse the soul. It helps you evaluate what’s going on around you and you can determine what is really important to you. Like out of all those 10 things, #3 and #10 really do bother me, but the rest I know I will get over by the end of the day.

We are human. We are dissatisfied. And hopefully we will all figure out our lives eventually.