Living In The Past

I constantly struggle with living in the past. I am constantly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stupid stuff that I have done. I have the unfortunate habit of thinking about my past mistakes. I dwell, fret, worry, etc etc… Even though I know I can’t change anything about what has happened.

I can’t change it. It’s done. Boom. That’s it. Nothing I can do about it.

So why does my past bother me so much? Why can’t I just accept what has happened and move on?

First off to blame is probably my personality. I am EXTREMELY Type A. So, not only does that mean that I’m super annoying all the time about everything, but I am critical about every detail of myself, I am competitive (sidenote: I am a terrible sore loser), and I get upset/angry very easily. So when it comes to looking at my past – I am very critical about myself. In my eyes I see what could have happened and I didn’t measure up. I failed. I failed at being a good human being and I made a mistake and I need to be punished for that mistake. Said punishment is always beating myself up about not being good enough (I am pro at this, been doing it since 5th grade -first time I ever got a C on a test). It almost seems like I can never measure up to my own standards of living. I set myself up to fail constantly. Looking at my past is like seeing failures over and over again, when I could have easily done better. But hindsight is always 20/20.

Image

Secondly, I come from a very competitive family. No, not in sports (though my Dad and sister can play anything and everything and be good at it) but in grades. My family takes immense pride in being smart. I wasn’t popular, or good at sports, or anything really in school. But I was smart. I could hold that over everyone’s head. In school I believed that I was smarter than everyone else (except Stuart, PJ, and Stephen because they were freaking geniuses). I would study my butt off to get straight A’s because in my eyes that was the only thing I was good at. I could memorize any fact, figure, name, speech, anything. I could diagram a sentence in 8 seconds flat. You want all the state and capitals? Done. All the Presidents? Done. All the Vice Presidents? Done. The periodical table? Done. Even in college I was competitive with my grades and GPA. My friends were in different majors than me and I’d still get frustrated if their GPA was higher. Now that I’m not school anymore I feel like I’m not better at anything (except whining, I’m the best at whining, ask any of my friends). If I don’t have anything to be competitive about, than what’s the point? I look at my past and compare it to my friends’ pasts and see that they were better at living than me. They didn’t make as many huge glaringly obvious mistakes as I did. In my mind they win. I suck.

Third to blame is scientists. WHY HAVE YOU NOT INVENTED TIME MACHINES YET SO I CAN GO BACK AND FIX EVERYTHING AND HAVE A PERFECT AND LOVELY LIFE?

Fourth are those people. You know who I’m talking about. They LOVE to bring up the past. They LOVE to relive and rehash their great moments in life and remind me of how I screwed up. They can be my family, or one of my friends (terrible friend) or an enemy (do I really have enemies or just frenemies). They love to remind me about that one time, ya know, remember, that one time when I did that really stupid thing and it had terrible consequences. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. It’s one thing to remember the crap you did on your own, but when other people bring it up it makes it 1,000,000 times worse. (sidenote: YouTuber danisnotonfire has a great video on the “cringe affect” and when you have a “cringe attack”)

Image

Fifth is myself. I should be first because most of the mistakes I have made are 100% my fault. I could have done better. I could have made different choices. I could have thought more. I could have listened to my friends and family and teachers and peers. I could have caused less pain. I could have fought. I could have faced my fears. But I didn’t. I made mistakes. I made a lot of them. And it’s easy to blame other people for misguiding you, or causing you to make those mistakes. It’s also easy to blame your circumstances, that they made you make those mistakes. You can blame anyone and anything. But it comes down to the truth. And the truth is I screwed up. I made mistakes.

Why can’t I get over my past?

Because I won’t let myself make the same mistakes again.

Things Single People Are Tired Of Hearing

images
Or maybe it’s just me who’s tired of hearing these things…

So I am single. I have been single for 2 years now. My last relationship was terrible: he forced me to do things, he would be very rough and harsh with me, he stole my money, and he cheated on me. Due to that experience I have been very hesitant to date again. Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m terrified of dating again. I’m actually really fine with being single. I prefer being alone in all honesty (this is possibly because every relationship I’ve been in has ended very badly).
I have the wonderful blessing (and I mean it truthfully as a blessing) of seeing most of my close friends get engaged, get married, and be in a happy and healthy relationship with their spouse (this is not sarcasm, I really am happy for my friends). But after awhile, it can be very daunting to see that out of all your friends, you and a few others, are the only ones still single. I think something must click in a married friends brain – I’m not entirely sure as I have never been married. Said friend suddenly feels the need to help their single friends become as happy as they are in their married relationship. Because clearly being single is the same thing as being depressed and unhappy.
I can guarantee you that being single DOES NOT equal unhappiness. I am honestly happier now than I have ever been in any relationship I’ve ever had.
Now I really do love my friends and family and appreciate their thoughtfulness when they constantly want to set me up, ask me what’s wrong, tell me to date again – it means that they love me and care about me. But seriously guys, stop. No really, stop. STOP. Just stop. I’m fine. Completely and totally fine.

Please stop doing or saying these things:

Comparing your “relationship problems” to my “single problems” – YES I know that couples have a plethora of problems because they have to coexist with one another on a daily basis. BUT that does not mean that your problems are worse than mine. You need to stop diminishing every single persons problems like they are miniscule to yours. That’s not how the world works. Everyone is equally screwed up and has an equal amount of problems.

“You don’t know pain till you’ve had your heart broken by someone.” – Ummmmm… I have had my heart broken. Twice. And it sucked. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’ve NEVER been in a relationship. And even if someone single HAS NEVER been in a dating relationship that doesn’t mean that they’ve never had their heart broken. A person’s heart can break over any relationship, person, circumstance, etc… It is NOT solely based on whether they have had boyfriend or girlfriend.

“Your sister is going to get married before you.” – I am aware of this. You don’t need to remind me. She is smarter, funnier, prettier, skinnier and much much MUCH nicer than I am.

“Make sure you find someone in college, it’s almost impossible to find someone after you graduate.” – Bull crap. This is utter and complete bull crap. College is not the only way to find someone to marry (You will hear this constantly if you go to a religious college). There are THOUSANDS of ways to meet people outside of school. Here a just a few: through your friends, church, community, work, volunteering, parties, parks, restaurants, just walking up to strangers and saying HI…

Please stop assuming that I don’t want to be single. – I currently like being single. Now I can’t speak for everyone, but I like being alone right now. My last few relationships were crap and I don’t feel like diving in again.

“Just be patient the right person will come along.” – Oh good thinking, I almost rushed out and married the first person I saw. Thank goodness you told me to be patient.

Married people, please stop saying you wish you were single. – If you wish you were single, then don’t complain about it, be single. There is this fun little invention called divorce that 50% of married couples do. If you hate your marriage so much then get a divorce, if you don’t then stop complaining about it and do something.

“What is wrong with you?” – A lot of things, just ask my mother.

“Don’t you want to get married?” – I don’t know ok!!!! Maybe!!! It’s not a HUGE priority right now. I really want to wear a fancy dress and have a party all about me. So basically I just want a wedding…

“I don’t get why you are still single, you are smart/good looking/funny/employed/etc..” – I know, I’m shocked too. Men should be flocking to me from all the world. I’m such a catch.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea!” – That’s great, except I don’t want a fish I want a man. This is a stupid saying and I’d love to smack whoever invented it.

“Have you tried internet dating?” – Yes and it was a terrible experience. I know so many people have success stories from it, but lets be real here folks… It’s creepy. I went on a lot of creepy dates last summer from online dating (Christian Mingle) and I met some very creepy, odd, clingy, scary people.

“It’ll happen when you least expect it.” – I’m consistently unobservant of my surroundings, so I actually believe this one. It’s just annoying to hear constantly because than you are trying not to expect the unexpected and that makes the unexpected expected.

“Don’t you ever get lonely?” – Yes. I suffer from crippling loneliness at times. But that is why I have friends.

“Aren’t you worried that you won’t be able to have kids?” – No. I’m not even sure I want kids. If I end up having a desperate need for children, I can adopt as a single parent.

“You’re just too picky!” – I’d rather be alone and too picky, then to settle and end up with a psychopath.

“You’re gonna end up as a crazy cat lady!” – Nope, I don’t like cats that much. I’ll be the fun old dog lady.

“It’s the bouquet toss, you better get out there!” – This happens to me literally, and I mean LITERALLY, at every wedding I go to or I am in. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And I’ve never caught the bouquet. It is brutal out there during a bouquet toss. And then what happens if I do catch it? Besides possibly being tackled by one of the bridesmaids… Does some mystical wedding magic descend down onto me and make it so that I SHALL BE MARRIED NEXT. Are all available men then notified that I HAVE to be married next and that it is their duty to find me, woo me, and marry me?

“I have someone I’d like you to meet!” – Suuuuure ya do. I’m sure they’re great too. Here’s a rule of thumb for this one, if you yourself wouldn’t date them and marry them, then don’t set your friend up with them.

“You’re not trying hard enough.” – You’re probably right on this one. I’m notoriously lazy when it comes to seeking out potential partners. Totally not a go getter.

“I’M ENGAGED!!!!!!!” – Great. I’m so excited. Can’t wait. What color dress should I wear?

Something Great For Me

I am feeling discouraged.

I feel like there is something great out there for me and I’m missing out. I don’t know how to get to it, where it is, or what it is. But I want it. I need it to happen to me.

Well, don’t I sound selfish… I’m not saying I think society/the universe/God owes me anything. They don’t. I know that I am among the most undeserving people on this planet scrounging around for a blessing or something great.

But it would be really nice if it happened to me.

I’m 24. I’m single. I was salutatorian in high school. I graduated with a 4 year degree from an academically challenging college with an above average GPA. I am a hard worker. I am nice. I am funny. I am loyal. I am dramatic. I love helping people. I am willing to work, to move, to learn new things, to be out of my comfort zone.

So why am I alone. With a semi-ok part time job. Living with my parents. With no social life to speak of. In the middle of no where.

Why have none of the Library Directors, from the 20+ jobs I applied to in NYC, responded to me? Why can’t I move out? Why do most of my friends ignore me on a daily basis? Why has one of my best friends in the whole world started treating me like trash? Why is it that when your college friends get married they forget you exist? Why does my mother put so much freakin pressure on me about not being married? Why do I have such a fragile relationship with my parents? Why do my sister and I only get along when we are not in the same city?

Why am I unhappy?

Why do I feel like there is more out there for me, right at my fingertips, and I keep missing it?

Image

I know so many people have it worse. I know these are construed as ‘first world problems’ or ‘whining’ or ‘being selfish’ – but may I remind you, I’m just listing the questions I have right now. You have no idea about anything in my life. You don’t know how I was raised, my childhood, or any of the awful things I’ve experienced. So you can stop judging me now.

I almost feel like I’m disappointed in myself. Like I could have done so much better. I look back and I see the mistakes I’ve made. And I know I wish I could go back and change all of them but that ends up making me feel more discouraged. Because I can’t fix them. They happened. It’s done. I have to deal with what my life is now.

Image

I knew who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go.

But I’m not that person. I didn’t end up doing what I wanted. And I am definitely not where I wanted to be.

I feel like my future is right at my fingertips. I just have to make a decision and go with it. But I am so terrified that I may make the wrong choice. I have a terrible track record for choices. I usually make ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE CHOICES. I never listen to advice from my friends and family. And even though I usually plan things out and do pros and cons and what not – I still end up making a spur of the moment decision. I can’t even trust myself to do the right/smart thing anymore. I’ve screwed up too many times.

But my future is right there. Staring me in the face. I can feel it. I just can’t see it. And people put so much pressure on your future. Like it’s the Holy Promised Land that we are all striving to visit before we die.

Image

But what if we are already in our future? What if this is it? What you are doing right now, where you are, who you are. This is it. This is your future. What if it’s already started? What if you missed out on that Holy Promised Land.

What if I’m stuck like this forever?

I have two choices staring me in the face right now. One is easy and one is terrifying.

I could just move out in February like I planned – right down the street from where I work. And that’s it.

Or I could move to NYC. Completely start over. And be anything I want to be.

What if I can’t make a choice?

What if I make the wrong one?

Taylor Swift

No snazzy title today folks, because I still feel miserable. This will probably be crap since I’m hopped up on cold meds… But here we go anyways.

I love Taylor Swift.

Image

So pretty. So perfect.

Now my love for T-Swizzle is a recent development of about 3 years. I didn’t really care for her… Because… I hate country music. That’s right, I said it. I’ll even say it again.  I HATE COUNTRY MUSIC. It’s crap. BUT I don’t think Taylor is “that” country anymore and her new music is lovely and pop and I listen to it now.

Image

Ohhhh pretty guitar.

Now I love Taylor so much that this past summer, for my birthday, me and my sister, and 4 of my friend went to Philadelphia to see her in concert (actually me, my sister and 1 friend went to see her, 2 of my friends went for Ed Sheeran, and I’m not sure why my other friend came because they just whined and complained the whole time)!

Here are some pictures from that concert!

Image

We are all poor, so we had terrible seats. Absolutely terrible. We were I think 10 rows down from the top.

Image

Yep, could barely even see the screen. Still worth it though.

Image

Most of the time I had no idea what was happening on stage. Still worth it.

Image

Worth it.

In fact, during the concert, right before Taylor Swift was going to come on. There was a HUGE thunderstorm that hit the OPEN stadium. They advised everyone to go inside and hide. We didn’t. I made my friends sit in the rain. So if she came back on we wouldn’t miss her. We got very wet. We sat in the rain for a long time. They all hated me. But the concert was amazing!

(Side note: I was so happy when the concert actually started that I pretty much cried through the first 2 songs. That’s right. I cried. Like a freaking baby. Tears of joy. It was amazing.)

Image

My favorite Taylor Swift song is “Mean” – mostly because I can really relate to it. I got picked on a lot in school. I had braces, glasses, super short hair, and I was fat. So yeah… Not a lot going for me. I also like: “Begin Again” – “White Horse” – “Haunted” – and a lot of other mushy sad love ones… I know I know… That’s like all of them.

Image

She just seems like she’d be a great BFF. And yes, I know she’s dated a lot of people. Yes, I know she is always labeled as the “innocent one” and all these men/boys are terrible people for breaking her heart. Yes, I know she might be the problem. I don’t care. She’s perfect. And lovely. And a wonderful person.

She also just gave a crap-ton of money to start an awesome new school for kids interested in music!

Image

She cares about everyone! She’s lovely!

Also, I have her perfume. And it smells amazing. I smell like Taylor Swift. It’s almost like we’re friends in real life!

Image

Did I mention she is gorgeous?

Image

It’s amazing to think that someone who is only a 5 months younger than me, has accomplished so much in life. I have accomplished nothing…. Well, I know most of her songs by heart… That’s something right?

Image

Big finale finish! Whoohoooo….

I need to blow my nose again.

I’m okay, really

Image

I say that a lot. I’m okay, really. Though honestly, when you have to put the ‘really’ on it, people usually know you are lying through your teeth.

So lately I’ve been ‘going through some things’ like any normal person. And since I still live with my parents and all of my close friends live in different states… I’ve been… Lonely. And I hate to admit that I need other people because I am fiercely independent. But. I might need a hug.

Image

Recently some people have noticed that I am not my ‘normal cheerful self’ (yeah right, like I’ve ever been normal) and have started to ask me if I’m okay. Let me just get this out there: IF YOU ARE NOT MY SISTER OF ONE OF ME 5 BEST FRIENDS – I am not going to tell you about my problems. So leave me alone. Stop asking. I’m fine. Now go away.

Image

Lately it’s been coworkers, my mother’s friends, elderly people, people who are my friends but I don’t really share a lot with them, etc… And they keep asking me. Expecting me to open up all my ‘feels’ and emotinally vomit all over them. Not gonna happen. You see, I have chosen these 5 people. They are the trusted ones (I have trust issues… that it a story for another day, let me tell you, whoa!). And even within this 5 there are different levels of trust. I do have a bestest friend in the whole wide world. And then I have 3 best friends. And then a have my great friend. These are the 5. They know my secrets. They know I’ll kill them if they share them. So random coworker, when you ask if I’m okay. And I say yes. Don’t ask me again. Just take it at face value. You can’t solve my problems (there are a lot of them anyways).

Image

So as I currently wallow in my self pity, know that it is okay that I do so. I promise. Because sooner or later I will stop internalizing all of my ‘feels’ and I’ll either explode or go into therapy. And yes, I know some random friend will come up to me after this post and ask if I’m okay. And yes, I’m going to say I’m okay. And yes, I will be lying. But know it’s not because I don’t care about you as a friend. It’s just that I don’t want to talk to you about it. At all. So just…

Image

I’ll be fine I promise. I have a flair for dramatics.

Am I A Bad Person?

Do you ever wonder if you’re a bad person? (I’m assuming that you are all just lovely people and I’m the only demon spawn over here…)

But seriously. Am I a rotten human being?

Image

I know that I can be mean, and sarcastic, and vindictive, and that I lie (sometimes), I swear (only when I’m mad… or upset… or sad… don’t tell my mom), I’m unhappy a lot, I get jealous, I make fun of people, I can hold a grudge like it’s my profession, I laugh when people get hurt…. Can I justify being any of those things? I don’t feel like I’m those things all the time. But sometimes the worst can come out more the the best. Perhaps I’m surrounded by people who only bring out the worst in me. Or am I all parts equal to the worst parts of me and the good parts don’t even matter. What am I even saying?????

Now I could get into a really big moral debate here about sin and God loving everyone, but I’m not going to. I’m going to talk about the basic instinct that everyone has. Self preservation. And I personally think that within that self preservation instinct is another instinct of self preservation – protecting your pride.

We are all prideful. And if you are sitting there reading this and thinking ‘Well I’m not prideful at all’ shut up. Yes you are. That was pride right there. You jerkface.

Image

Let’s be honest. We all want to protect our pride/self esteem/soul/being/attitude/thoughts whatever it may be. And some of us can do that without hurting other people. But most of us can’t. To protect yourself from being hurt, and protecting the image you have of yourself, other people tend to get hurt. If we all have this type of self preservation in us, does that make us bad people? If most of the world acts this way, does that mean we are all wrong? Do we all need to change?

Some of us recognize this part in ourselves. I do every year around New Years. I make the same 3 resolutions every year: #1 BE NICER TO PEOPLE #2 BE POSITIVE #3 Lose weight. I’m really good about #3 for about a week. #1 and #2 I usually give up on before January 1st is over with.

Image

Maybe I’m acting out? A lot of people do that. You’re going through a rough patch and the only way you know how to get through your pain is inflicting pain and annoyance on others.

Image

Although, if this is true. I’ve been “going through something” for the last 14 years or so… Maybe I should see a therapist.

I don’t feel like a bad person though… But I was recently told that I was a “terrible person” and that it was “no wonder why no one really cared about me” – ouch. And all I could think was “Am I really that bad of a person?” and “Wow, I want to punch that person in the face” and “douchebag” !!!

Image

So am I bad person?

Probably.

Image

Why I Love Gingers

Seriously though, I love ginger people. And I’ve just started calling them “gingers” because I’ve always used the term “redhead” but I’m not sure which one is politically correct…

Let’s start with reason #1: I have always had a soft spot in my heart for ginger boys. Honest. For some weird reason, I’ve always loved ginger boys. When I was little and I would color in a coloring book, 9 times out of 10, I would color the boys hair bright red or orange. It’s just been ingrained in me since the beginning.

Reason #2: Most ginger people have amazing hair! Now, I don’t see ginger people very often, but all of them seem to have great hair. And I’m not just talking about the luscious color that radiates sunshine, light, happiness, and joy.

Reason #3: Famous gingers are ridiculously attractive. Like ridiculous. Let’s take Prince Harry as an example. Or Jessica Chastain. Or the lovely Rupert Grint. (I am guilty of writing Mrs. Alyssa Grint on a lot of notebooks in highschool… and college… and yesterday.) And we can’t forget Emma Stone. (Yes I know she is sometimes blonde… but she is a gorgeous ginger!)

Image Image Image Image

(I think she is one of the prettiest people on earth so she gets a super big picture…. Also I don’t know how to resize pictures yet…. I’ll work on it, I promise.)

Reason #4: Ginger people are super talented! Ok, this one may be a stretch, but I’m gonna try to stand by it. For example, Ed Sheeran is an amazing singer and songwriter and guitarist and Seth Green is one of the funniest people on earth.

Image Image

Reason #5: There are some pretty fierce and powerful ginger Royals. Like Prince Harry pictured before, King Henry VIII (Looks like a fun guy right!), and of course his daughter Queen Elizabeth I (I see she got her looks from her father…).

Image Image

Reason #6: All of my ginger friends are awesome! I have lots of ginger friends (More than I even was aware of when I started this post). I can’t list all of my ginger friends so I just picked the 3 most awesome of them all!

This is my friend Lyzi. Isn’t she just adorable? I know right, just too cute.

Image

She doesn’t qualify for #1, but she does qualify for #2, I mean look at that ponytail!

Image

We can add #3, even though she isn’t famous, she is so pretty! She is also super talented!

Image

Who else can make a rainbow land right behind them??? Sheer talent.

This is my friend Kayla. I know, I know, she’s gorgeous!

Image

So she already qualifies for #3. And while we are at is here is #2, I mean look at that lovely hair!

Image

And as for #4, well I had the honor of playing basketball with this beauty and let me tell you she is very talented. And also she has a dash of #5. Look at that fierce pose as Tyra Banks would say!

Image

This is my friend Dave. Calm down ladies, I know I know… #3 is kind of obvious.

Image Image

#2 is applicable… Even though I’ve seen him have some pretty bad hair days… Usually is it lovely like it is pictured above and below. As for #4, he is an amazing soccer player and probably has the best personality of all of my friends (no offense to the rest of you… and I do count personality as a talent because most people don’t have one at all).

Image

Reason #7: Just because she is a ginger/has super red hair.

Image