Something Great For Me

I am feeling discouraged.

I feel like there is something great out there for me and I’m missing out. I don’t know how to get to it, where it is, or what it is. But I want it. I need it to happen to me.

Well, don’t I sound selfish… I’m not saying I think society/the universe/God owes me anything. They don’t. I know that I am among the most undeserving people on this planet scrounging around for a blessing or something great.

But it would be really nice if it happened to me.

I’m 24. I’m single. I was salutatorian in high school. I graduated with a 4 year degree from an academically challenging college with an above average GPA. I am a hard worker. I am nice. I am funny. I am loyal. I am dramatic. I love helping people. I am willing to work, to move, to learn new things, to be out of my comfort zone.

So why am I alone. With a semi-ok part time job. Living with my parents. With no social life to speak of. In the middle of no where.

Why have none of the Library Directors, from the 20+ jobs I applied to in NYC, responded to me? Why can’t I move out? Why do most of my friends ignore me on a daily basis? Why has one of my best friends in the whole world started treating me like trash? Why is it that when your college friends get married they forget you exist? Why does my mother put so much freakin pressure on me about not being married? Why do I have such a fragile relationship with my parents? Why do my sister and I only get along when we are not in the same city?

Why am I unhappy?

Why do I feel like there is more out there for me, right at my fingertips, and I keep missing it?

Image

I know so many people have it worse. I know these are construed as ‘first world problems’ or ‘whining’ or ‘being selfish’ – but may I remind you, I’m just listing the questions I have right now. You have no idea about anything in my life. You don’t know how I was raised, my childhood, or any of the awful things I’ve experienced. So you can stop judging me now.

I almost feel like I’m disappointed in myself. Like I could have done so much better. I look back and I see the mistakes I’ve made. And I know I wish I could go back and change all of them but that ends up making me feel more discouraged. Because I can’t fix them. They happened. It’s done. I have to deal with what my life is now.

Image

I knew who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go.

But I’m not that person. I didn’t end up doing what I wanted. And I am definitely not where I wanted to be.

I feel like my future is right at my fingertips. I just have to make a decision and go with it. But I am so terrified that I may make the wrong choice. I have a terrible track record for choices. I usually make ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE CHOICES. I never listen to advice from my friends and family. And even though I usually plan things out and do pros and cons and what not – I still end up making a spur of the moment decision. I can’t even trust myself to do the right/smart thing anymore. I’ve screwed up too many times.

But my future is right there. Staring me in the face. I can feel it. I just can’t see it. And people put so much pressure on your future. Like it’s the Holy Promised Land that we are all striving to visit before we die.

Image

But what if we are already in our future? What if this is it? What you are doing right now, where you are, who you are. This is it. This is your future. What if it’s already started? What if you missed out on that Holy Promised Land.

What if I’m stuck like this forever?

I have two choices staring me in the face right now. One is easy and one is terrifying.

I could just move out in February like I planned – right down the street from where I work. And that’s it.

Or I could move to NYC. Completely start over. And be anything I want to be.

What if I can’t make a choice?

What if I make the wrong one?

Advertisements

Broken Dreams

I’m talking literally here.

Because I have these weird recurring dreams where I break most of the bones in my body… Is that normal? Anyone else? Ok, nope just me.

Image

So here’s the thing. I’ve only ever broken a bone once. Once in my entire life. And I was a fairly active child and teenager. I just never did anything risky.

But one night (I only remember that it was the fall semester) during my sophomore year in college I broke the top of my foot. That’s right… You read that right. Just the TOP of my foot. And simply because I’m a klutz. I was ironing my clothes (I was a weirdo in college and would pick out my outfit the night before and iron it) and I got distracted by one of my roommates (the annoying one – her name was Paula – I have no fear if she reads this!). I went to grab something for her (because she was super needy!) and I tripped over the cord of the iron. Mind you, the iron was hot. It landed point down on the top of my foot – breaking it – and then landed flat on the top of my foot – burning it. It was a great night. It was also one of the first nights I ever said a swear word out loud… very loudly.

Image

But I didn’t go to the doctors. I hate doctors and hospitals and they frighten me. So I pretty much dragged my swollen foot around campus for a week. I could only wear this one pair of flats that were too big for me because nothing else fit my huge foot. Eventually my best friend (nursing student) convinced me to go to the “on campus clinic” (the biggest joke for health care). By that time my foot had started to heal itself and they would need to re-break it to set it right. I hobbled out of there pretty quickly. So now the top of my foot is sort of pointy-ish. And when my foot gets cold there is a slight ‘x’ shaped scar on top of it. Pretty cool right… Nope. Not at all.

Anyways back to the dreams.

I keep having these different dreams that I’m either in a car accident, or someone pushes me and I fall over, etc, etc, and I break several bones. And no one cares. Not a single person cares that I have broken bones. They all just expect me to get on with my work and driving and chores and what not.

Image

Now I don’t know if this is because of my fear of hospitals, my fear of breaking something, or my fear of still being on my parents’ health insurance and it’s going to run out in 2 years and what happens if I do break a bone and I can’t pay for it, or what not… But I hate these dreams.

What’s worse is that I’ll wake up with phantom pains! I’ll have a dream that I got pushed or whatnot and broke my leg and I’ll wake up and my leg will be hurting. And I can’t figure out if I had the dream because my leg hurt, or my leg hurts because I had the dream.

Maybe I’m just crazy or a wuss.

Or maybe I just need to really break a bone and get it over with.

Image

Hopefully… Not that bone!