Are You Pregnant?

“Awwww…. When are you due?” -person I was checking out at Old Navy 2 years ago.

“Due?” – Me

“Are you pregnant?” -person I now hate

“No.” – Me

“Oh, I’m sorry! You just have that glow.” -worst person in the world

“Right.” – Me

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“Are you having a boy or a girl?” – person I was checking books out to 3 years ago at a library

“Excuse me?” – Me

“Oh, aren’t you pregnant?” – mean mean person

“No.” – Me

“Well! You just… have that look.” – terrible evil person

“Right.” – Me

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“Did you get yourself knocked up?” – homeless lady I was helping at the library 3 months ago

“No.” – Me

“So you’re just fat?” – homeless lady

“Yep, just fat.” – Me

“That’s funny.” – homeless lady

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“Can I ask? Are you pregnant?” – random person shopping at Old Navy 3 years ago

“No, I’m not.” – Me

“Really?” – bewildered person

“Yep, not pregnant.” – Me

“Huh… You just have that look ya know? A maternal look.” – awful horrible person

“Right.” – Me

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These are just a few of the lovely examples of what happens to me every couple of months. Now I’ve talked before about my body image. I’m not skinny. I’m chubby. And I do have a tummy. And it pooches out just enough that I’m sure if I’m wearing the right clothes, standing in the right light, and leaning to the left with my hands on my hips – I look pregnant. I must stand like this a lot because I get asked a lot if I’m with child.

And the funny thing is, that everyone who has been SO BOLD to come up and ask me is SO GENUINELY surprised when they are wrong. How sure can you be? I mean even if I was pregnant, at the size I am I might MIGHT might be at like 3 or 4 – ish months. That’s pretty brave (stupid) to come to someone and be confident (stupid) enough to ask. It boggles my mind, because I have never NEVER EVER ever asked a woman that. Even if she was currently in labor I would not ask a woman that. You just don’t ask.

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And that whole “maternal look” and “glow” crap is just a way to cover your butt when you realized you’ve screwed up big time. Really a “glow” – maybe my makeup was shiny, or I could be sweaty, or I have oily skin for goodness sake, or I have a sunburn, a rash, I’m blushing! And “maternal look” – I don’t have a maternal bone in my body! I don’t even know if I want to have kids because I am an incredibly insane, irrational, selfish, and sarcastic person. I would definitely be cursed with a child just like myself and I was a terrible child (still am).

Now I know, at my age, it is VERY reasonable to be married with kids. Most of my friends are married and have kids or are expecting soon. But I have a different life plan for right now. Staying single and not getting pregnant.

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So please. Never ask a girl if she’s pregnant. NEVER EVER.

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